Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bed Rest?! Really Dude....

There will be no pretty pictures with this post as there was nothing pretty about this last weekend. Remember the "summer cold"? Seems it was a bit more than a summer cold. The whole weekend was kind of a blur. Between the convulsing shivering or the pouring of sweat fevers I don't remember that much. Of course I told my husband I wasn't that sick. I do remember on one staggering trip to the bathroom finding the dog tied to the banister by her leash and the bitty one coloring the white hairs on her muzzle with a black sharpie.

Me: "Honey, what are you doing?"

Bitty One: "Coloring Sheba's gray hair like you do to yours Mummy"

Me: "Not with a sharpie!"

Bitty One (with hand on hip): "Well there was no hair color!!"

Me: "Ah! Is that why there is a chair in the bathroom by the shelves?"

Thank god we were out of hair color. Who knows what she would have done to the poor dog. Where was her "older" sister who was supposed to be watching her? Not 5 feet away on the couch. Some babysitting service I have huh?!

Monday morning after being up since 3 am I gave in. Ok, I'll go to the doctor.

Going to the doctor is a delight. Especially dragging 3 kids along with you. It was the usual what hurts? why the hell are you here visit. Oh, it hurts here? How does it feel when I press here? How about when me and the nurse jump up and down on your belly? Does it hurt then?

Doc: You are very bloated

Me: Thank god, I thought I was getting fat!

Doc: No, you are a bit overweight, but you are bloated too.

Oh great, I am fat AND bloated. I could listen to that all day! Now I am not only sick but depressed. I mean I hadn't eaten for 5 days and I find out that I gained 3 pounds. How fair is that?! Or are scales all over the world just screwing with me. I personally think they have a conspiracy against me.

Psssst.... want to drive her crazy? Don't move when she steps on you. Heehee it's really funny to see her angry face!

Then comes the words I always dread hearing.... "we need a urine sample". The peeing is not a problem. I can pee on command. The getting it in a cup is the problem. It would be great if I could just park my buttocks on a 5 gallon bucket to pee. I know I could pour it into that itty bitty cup then. But no, this is a special urine sample. Pee a few drops, THEN catch a sample and when you are almost finished pull the cup away and pee the rest all while dancing a jig on one foot and reciting the Declaration of Independence. Seriously? I just see me peeing all over my hand and not getting a drop in the darn cup. Would it be so hard to figure out how to put a handle on them? You know like a long stick so you don't pee on yourself. I mean peeing on my hand is so the highlight of my day. Not only do I look like death warmed over, but I now smell like urine. Thankfully, I did get enough for them to stick the dipstick into. Do they really need a whole cup for that teeny tiny little dip stick?!


Doctor: Someone doesn't drink water!

Me: Who? (pointing and looking at my husband)

Doctor: No, you....

Me: Well, if it didn't taste like flavorless crap, I would....

Doctor: You need to drink more water

I came here cause I was sick, not to hear about everything I am doing wrong. If I wanted that, I would go visit my dad! Drink more water.... If they could make it taste like white zinfandel, I would! ....drink more water.... Coffee has water. You make it with water. I drink gallons of that stuff a day, but it doesn't count. Water. Straight up, no twist. Not even those yummy flavor packets in it either. Plain jane water. The verdict was a severe UTI. I don't know why I keep getting them except that I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH WATER....

Oh and this medication. Take with lots of water. Don't read the side effects either. As fuzzy headed as I was I just figured I had a chance of turning into a hunchback troll with convulsions. Oh wait, a bloated, slightly overweight, hunchback troll with convulsions. Won't I be pretty?

The biggest joke was the bedrest. Three children have run rampant under the close supervision of the oldest child and you already know how well that goes over. Needless to say, the house is trashed. Hello, Hoarders.... I don't know how I was able to stay in bed amidst all this disaster. I must have been really sick. I know they ate. There are food, crumbs and cheerios all over! The gosh darn dog didn't even try to help clean up! How's that for gratitude? It's even spread into my room. I have my jewelry hanging from every knob, handle, anything in my room. Bitty One was trying to make it "pretty". Thanks. I told my husband I must be feeling a bit better cause I wanted to get cleaning. He said "NO! You just leave it be." I was waiting to hear that he and the kids would take care of it. Instead, he said it could wait a few days. Hello??? Have you met me? How can I rest in this mess?

So for now I am on the couch with strict orders to bed rest. Hummmph..... Bedrest is kinda like being on vacation. You can have a great time and come back rested, but the mess.... ugh! I have so many things to catch up on too besides a filthy house and a mountain of laundry. Like the company books and a tea swap that I really need to get out. I have a couple more things that I want to get for the tea swap and then wrap it up all pretty and send it off. As soon as I get it together I plan on doing a post about it. Wait til you see the gorgeous tea cup and saucer sweet Patricia sent me.

As for now, I am off. Obviously when you are on bedrest you are able to dress Barbie in the same freaking outfit 863 times in an hour. I swear I will glue those itty bitty high heels on her feet if I lay on another one of them. Those things hurt! You never lay on it in an area where feeling little probey things like that may be easily handled either. No, it's always where your reaction is "HEY! What the heck is that?" Plus, I can also stare at the curtains which are ALMOST finished that I just don't have the energy to work on right now.

Bah humbug.... bedrest....


Barbara F. said...

Maggie, this post was so hilarious I was laughing out loud, not cause your ill and in bed, of course, but you just hit the nail on the head on so many things. I love that your hubby said the housework could wait a few days! Is that typical or what?! Please rest, drink your water and feel better soon. xo,

Anonymous said...

So sorry you're not feeling well, but darned if you aren't funny even when you're sick.

And I agree about those urine samples...whose bright idea was that, anyway?

Hope you're on the mend soon,try crushing up a lemon in the water. Might not be ideal, but at least it's *some* flavor!

Dragonfly Treasure said...

Ahh the dreaded UTI due to not drinking enough water...those words echo in my head..yes I too have heard them.
Water, ugh..if it was menat to be drunk plain they wouldn't have invented flavors, right?
I think coffe should count as water too, I mean you don't suck on the grounds (unless you're really hard up).
Take care and get better. Maybe the hubbs will get tired of seeing and stepping over the mess abd clean some of it up...nah, I'm sure it will be waiting for you, sometimes the helpers are worse thanthe helping....unfortunaltely.

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

I think the Bitty One is on to something... I'm gonna buy a brown Sharpie! Poor pup's probably still trying to figure out what that was all about! Take care of yourself girl, the housework will still be there when you feel better:@)

Life in Rehab said...

I have to admit to laughing too...been there, ignored that advice! "Bed rest." Cool, doc, I'll be back for the kids in a week. They like grape Kool Aid.

bj said...

OOO, Maggie, you are sooo funny, girl. You had me laughing out loud. I really am sorry you are sick..but it sure didn't affect your sense of humor. I really did laugh out loud at peeing on your hand. I have wondered and wondered what the heck I was doing wrong to pee all over my hand and up the dang wrist. I just KNEW I must be the only one that happened to or else there WOULD be little handles on the bitty cups. :)))

Now, when you feel better and make biscuits, be SURE to add enuf milk to make your dough really soft..almost sticky...that you need flour on your hands and board to even work with it. THAT is the secret to good biscuits...most are made with too dry dough and that makes for dry biscuits. When you cut them and pick them up to put in your skillet, they shoud be soft and bend a little...not stiff.
Wish I lived next door..I'd bring you a pan right now. :)))

~from my front porch in the mountains~ said...

Oh, Maggie! You had me rolling! LOL!

Hey, UTI's are serious, girl. I have ended up in the hospital twice with these. ugh. Another lovely side effect of Fibro. And I drink tons of water :) You bad girl.
Now go back to bed and don't forget your H2o!
Hope this finds you feeling a bit spunkier :)
xo, misha

Lori said...

Oh you poor thing ~ but you did make me smile. When you are feeling like crap you still manage to pull out the computer and post about it Maggie ~ you are amazing. Wish I was closer ~ I would swoop in and take the kids for a couple of day so you could get some real rest ~ then help clean up. hmmm ~ maybe I will just bring some wine when you are feeling better. Drink water water water girl ~ I will agree with the doctor on that one. Take care. xo

thepurplerose said...

It wasn't because of me that you didn't get bed rest!!! I left you alone!!

Sixty-Fifth Avenue said...

You are so sick and I am cracking up over here! I hope you feel better soon...and the doctor said No More Barbies, that's an order!

Designs on 47th Street said...

Well Dear Maggie, I was coming over here to tell you how funny you were with the comment you left on my blog and now I read your post!! LOL! You are too much (in a good way). Oh my...how can anyone make being sick this cute? Get Well Soon!!!


Anita @ Cedar Hill Ranch said...

Maggie, Maggie, are you this funny when you are well? Glad you came by the ranch for a visit. To cheer you up, I just became a follower. I know it's not much, but hard to do too much from here. I have similar babysitting/cleaning service issues here. I guess that's what we get for hiring relatives. I keep threatening to fire my "help."

texwisgirl said...

oh my lord. i don't know if i have the stamina to follow your blog! this was too funny! :)

thanks for finding mine so i could find yours!!! hang in there and DRINK LOTS OF WATER!

Beth said...

Maggie, I hope you're feeling better!
Regarding the lemon icebox pie, I planned to post the recipe but I have a blog recipe policy: if it isn't good enough that I'd make it again, I don't send it along for others...it was good, but not great...in the works for next week, and hope they can be published, are blueberry ice cream AND raspberry ice cream. There are two ice cream social blog parties: Amusing Potpourri and Kitchen Bouquet! Fun, fun!
Happy 4th of July!

Theresa said...

Now here I am trying to feel sorry for my pee smelling friend and you have to go and make a UTI funny! Tell bitty one that she needs a certification to color the dogs beard in but when she gets it our Jazz is getting up in years too and is feeling a bit selfconcious!
I hope you are feeling better very very soon, and that all of your peeps over there have decided that it is in their best interest to help clean up the cheerios crumbs!
Take care, thanks for letting us laugh at you I mean with you! t. xoxooxoxoxoxoxo