Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A Funky Mood

Lately I have been in a funky mood. I don't get them often but it is quite a funk. In fact, I haven't felt like blogging because of it. I haven't felt like doing anything. I don't know if it is the kids going back to school that caused it or what.
First of all, I feel like I just exist. I don't live I exist. I exist to get people up for their busy lives, clean house for them, cook for them, wash clothes for them so they are not naked.... Basically just be readily available for them cause they have lives and I don't. In fact to test this theory, I stayed in my pj's until I had to get dressed to go out in public. Yes, I was going to treat others by being dressed. All week I stayed in my pj's cause I had nowhere to go. No outside obligations, no cutesy lunch dates with friends, nothing. I only went outside to take out the garbage. Why get dressed for that?!
I also feel like a failure. Don't let me touch anything or guaranteed that it will fail. I feel like I have failed my kids the most. I wanted so much for them when they were babies and now it feels like I have not given them it. I can't put a finger on "it" but they don't have "it". I feel bad cause I didn't want them growing up the way me and my sister did and yet it seems they are doomed to. I want them to look back on their growing years and have happy memories. I fear that they won't.
The failure doesn't stop at the kids either. It goes towards everything. This blog, the etsy store, the house.... They all just feel like a failure. I do things in the house and get in my minfd a mental pic of how it will look after, do it and step back and think "that was NOT what I was thinking!" I was proud of the countertops. The husband did like the countertops. Was impressed that they looked that good. But.... there is always a but.... I had streaks when you looked at them so he had to redo them. So I failed again. I drive myself crazy wondering how others make things look so easy and simple. Cause everything is a struggle ending in failure.
I have just felt unimportant. I know I have a tendency to go overboard with things. I get interested in something and go all out for it. It tends to overtake every part of my waking moments. But what else is there to do? My fish are a perfect example. It started out innocently enough. We got a tank. We got fish. I cleaned and fed fish. My husband wanted a certain species of fish. So bored I went online to look for them. We had cichlids. I went to cichlid forums. I learned about the fish and thought they were interesting. I joined forums for the fish. Eventually I became a fish guru. I had people emailing me for advice, I was asked to moderated on quite a few forums, even asked to write articles. It made me feel important. I founded the Michigan chapter of the Betta society. I even won a few competitions with my fish. Mostly I felt respected. I felt like I mattered. Then it became a problem. I got tired of hearing all the complaining about the fish. I would of turned the whole basement into an aquarium given the chance. I knew it was not something that would ever make me rich or anything. It made me feel good. So the fish went. Sadly. It still makes me feel like my interests were unimportant. I was taking time that could be used to oogle over everyone else and that was not good.
I didn't do this post to get sympathy or anything. I just wanted to explain why I was gone. The funk is starting to leave though. Even writing this it seems hard to explain things. Maybe I just needed a little break. I just didn't want to come here as such a Debbie Downer. So for those of you still interested in this blog, things will hopefully be back to normal now.


Tracey said...

Well you spoke from your heart and that counts for a lot! We ALL get in a funk at times, really. And it is just too easy to beat ourselves up as mom's at the end of the day because we could've done this or that better. The important thing is you love your kids and want the best for them. Just do what you can and let yourself take a break every now and then...sometimes a funk is just what you need to pause and then get going again! Hope you are feeling better soon!

:) T

Beth said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! I have had more than one day where I stayed in my pj's all day because I knew I had nothing to do or anywhere to go. I beat myself up all the time and ask am I or do I do enough for my girls. I know the answer is YES because I do the best I can and rely on God to take care of the rest. Hope you feel better soon :)

Jacqueline said...

Hey. Don't be so down on yourself. I couldn't believe that you wrote this post. Not that you shouldn't but this is not the woman who was so excited about her kitchen. You have such enthusiasm and you are so clever at all the things you do. So, your counter tops weren't perfect. At least you had a go. You are just feeling a bit low and I'm glad that you said you are feeling better. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself now and again. I'm afraid that life is mostly groundhog day for most of us, with a few highlights thrown in. Try not to feel down and just add up all of the good things in your life.Take care. XXXX

blushing rose said...

You are fine .. we all go thru these little 'stages' in life. Go shopping for something, get out into the world to take your mind off things ... it is great therapy for this kind of feeling. Your children are loved & well taken care ... you have a lovely DH. You are so blessed.

TTFN ~Marydon

Lori said...

Sometimes writing helps get it all out ~ it helps me anyway! I always look forward to your posts as you have a wit that makes me laugh out loud. I have been exactly where you are now and although it is difficult to get out of that funk rut you are in, it is do-able. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

Rebecca said...

Just came to your blog for the first time and read your funk...sorry you are going through a hard spell...I hate when that happens but it happens and this too shall pass. Your kids will grow up fast enough and yes you will make mistakes, we all do but they will seem small and insignificant compared to a lifetime of love.
My Blessings to you

thepurplerose said...

K----I know just the thing that can get you out of that funk!!! EMMANUEL FONTANINI------he will be at Bronners Nov 21-22 from 12-4. So the best advice I can give you is don't worry about the kids, forget about the projects gone awry, and fuck the etsy store---WE ARE LEARNING ITALIAN AND GOING TO BRONNER'S!!!!!! WWWWOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

carole said...

Hey Maggie:
Darling, you are so cool. I am 60 and I remember thinking will I ever do anything right? : ) My grown daughters and I laugh about the mistakes/decisions gone wrong that I made during their youthful years : ) Yet, in the same breath they will extol on the things that went better than we expected : )
Funk...it comes and it will go...You, Sweetie, are so adorable and kind and loving and generous...so embrace that and know we are your fans too!!!
As, my daughters say "You are my girl"
Leave streaks, footprints, finger prints, smudges and your life will have the flow it needs!!!
You need lows to realize your highs; There is no day without the previous night : ) See, I am philosophical too : )
You go girl!!!
love & hugs