Lately I have been in a funky mood. I don't get them often but it is quite a funk. In fact, I haven't felt like blogging because of it. I haven't felt like doing anything. I don't know if it is the kids going back to school that caused it or what.
First of all, I feel like I just exist. I don't live I exist. I exist to get people up for their busy lives, clean house for them, cook for them, wash clothes for them so they are not naked.... Basically just be readily available for them cause they have lives and I don't. In fact to test this theory, I stayed in my pj's until I had to get dressed to go out in public. Yes, I was going to treat others by being dressed. All week I stayed in my pj's cause I had nowhere to go. No outside obligations, no cutesy lunch dates with friends, nothing. I only went outside to take out the garbage. Why get dressed for that?!
I also feel like a failure. Don't let me touch anything or guaranteed that it will fail. I feel like I have failed my kids the most. I wanted so much for them when they were babies and now it feels like I have not given them it. I can't put a finger on "it" but they don't have "it". I feel bad cause I didn't want them growing up the way me and my sister did and yet it seems they are doomed to. I want them to look back on their growing years and have happy memories. I fear that they won't.
The failure doesn't stop at the kids either. It goes towards everything. This blog, the etsy store, the house.... They all just feel like a failure. I do things in the house and get in my minfd a mental pic of how it will look after, do it and step back and think "that was NOT what I was thinking!" I was proud of the countertops. The husband did like the countertops. Was impressed that they looked that good. But.... there is always a but.... I had streaks when you looked at them so he had to redo them. So I failed again. I drive myself crazy wondering how others make things look so easy and simple. Cause everything is a struggle ending in failure.
I have just felt unimportant. I know I have a tendency to go overboard with things. I get interested in something and go all out for it. It tends to overtake every part of my waking moments. But what else is there to do? My fish are a perfect example. It started out innocently enough. We got a tank. We got fish. I cleaned and fed fish. My husband wanted a certain species of fish. So bored I went online to look for them. We had cichlids. I went to cichlid forums. I learned about the fish and thought they were interesting. I joined forums for the fish. Eventually I became a fish guru. I had people emailing me for advice, I was asked to moderated on quite a few forums, even asked to write articles. It made me feel important. I founded the Michigan chapter of the Betta society. I even won a few competitions with my fish. Mostly I felt respected. I felt like I mattered. Then it became a problem. I got tired of hearing all the complaining about the fish. I would of turned the whole basement into an aquarium given the chance. I knew it was not something that would ever make me rich or anything. It made me feel good. So the fish went. Sadly. It still makes me feel like my interests were unimportant. I was taking time that could be used to oogle over everyone else and that was not good.
I didn't do this post to get sympathy or anything. I just wanted to explain why I was gone. The funk is starting to leave though. Even writing this it seems hard to explain things. Maybe I just needed a little break. I just didn't want to come here as such a Debbie Downer. So for those of you still interested in this blog, things will hopefully be back to normal now.